How to get asked to dance

But, first, a word about Lent:

All things have their season, and in their times all things pass under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to destroy, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3: 1 – 4)

After 11 Waltzing Parties, the first Eastertide Dance, a tempest in an international teapot, the second Michaelmas Dance, a Christmas party, and three nights out at an Edinburgh jazz club, Mrs McLean’s Waltzing Party have put away our dancing shoes for Quadragesima. It is time.

Among other, less worldly considerations, I will ponder what I have learned from a year of dancing and organizing dances. But today, as promised, I will offer the women of the Western World* my thoughts on ensuring that they are asked to dance when they go to dances.

1. Dress appropriately. Here is where I gain or lose you all. However, it absolutely matters what you wear to a dance. If your mother or auntie begs you to go to a dance frequented by Catholics who go to the Traditional Latin Mass, please think “pretty”, not “sexy.” Think “church wedding”, not “Leavers’ Ball.” Do not–I cannot stress this enough–spill out over the top of your dress. Why? Because men who actually believe the Catholic faith on the subject of chastity will do their best to avoid looking at you if your fleshy charms are on display. (If they are sufficiently disturbed, they might swear off dances forever and even try to convince others not to go, using your dress as Exhibit A. Thus, not only does your choice of dress affect your chances, it affects Catholic dance organizers like me.) Yes, I do know how hard it is to find a modest evening gown. I’m not judging, I’m advising.**

Meanwhile, down at the local jazz club, the women who bother to dress up wear pretty, not sexy, dresses. They are dressed to dance comfortably and, occasionally, give a respectful nod sartorially to the era in which the music was born. (The 1990s Swing Revival fad for vintage style has not lasted, but it is still a good idea to dress 1930s/40s for swing-dancing, I assure you.) And don’t forget about your shoes: wear shoes appropriate to the dance form.

Other scenes have different unspoken rules. My mother thought I should wear a powder blue Sunday dress to my first high school dance, but my friend told me I should wear grey corduroy trousers, a button-down shirt, and a wool pullover, all of which she loaned me. Now I would never dream of wearing such a tomboy outfit to a dance, but my friend was right for that time, that place.

In short, do your research. Ask around.

Here is Ginger Rogers wearing a Catholic-friendly dress while performing one of the most famous dance scenes in history:

Nota bene: Regarding strapless dresses, I wore a strapless dress to the last Michaelmas Dance, a tartan sash firmly pinned over one shoulder. (It was the best eBay and I could do.) Meanwhile, I’m not sure we could all rock Ginger’s collar, and only its floaty fabric saves it from being prim. But surely even the strictest moralist could not have a problem with her dress.

2. Bring men with you. Saying “A bunch of us are going to Mrs McLean’s Eastertide Dance; do you want to come?” is an example of how you can shorten your odds of getting asked to dance. Although I am against asking men on dates (have I lost you now?), I am for inviting men to parties or, even better, getting an older married friend/relation/godmother to do it for you. (Dear Auntie, I am coming to Scotland. Are you having another dance? Could you invite 12 boys and only 5 other girls? Thanks!) The more boys you know at a dance, the more likely you are to be asked to dance.

3. Frequent a local dance scene that offers lessons. First, you will learn how to dance. Second, you will practise dancing with men, especially if the teachers direct you to practise in rotation. Third, your face will become familiar with men who really love to dance and turn up at other dance events. Thus, they will vaguely know both you and the fact that you dance.

4. Use open body language. When talking to your friends, don’t have your back to the dance floor. Don’t huddle in an unbreakable circle. And if a man sitting beside you is monopolizing your attention when you’d rather dance, send a beseeching glance to someone to rescue you. (Well, that last one works in books. I have not tried it myself.)

5. Be seen dancing. I believe that a man is more likely to ask a woman to dance if he has already seen her dancing. Men sometimes labour under the misapprehension that women at a dance would always rather talk to their friends or have another drink or hide in the loo than dance. Therefore, if they see you on the dance floor, smiling approvingly at your partners, they will feel more confident in asking you. So see 2 again (above).

6. Smile. If your chosen dance form permits, smile and be merry. Accept invitations to dance politely or with joy (depending on your temperament). Say “Sorry, my fault” when you miss a step or your partner steps on you. Thank him for the dance. Incidentally, try to cultivate a reputation for being a happy, kindly woman wherever else you go–within reason, of course.

7. Don’t lead unless you’re teaching someone to dance. It is unlikely that a man who doesn’t know how to dance will ask you to dance. He might say, wistfully, that he would like to ask you to dance, but he doesn’t know how to dance. In this case, you could offer to show him the steps. And in this situation you are going to lead. However, being aware that other men are going to see you dancing (see 4 [above]), in all other circumstances, let the chap who asked you to dance lead, and don’t, for the love of heaven, correct him. Interestingly, men all seem to lead differently, and some even hear the time differently, so you will have to be attentive, flexible and nimble. That’s dancing!

8. Find a friendly scene. When my fluent-in-Spanish sister goes out salsa-dancing, she gets asked to dance a lot. When I went out by myself to swing-dancing in Edinburgh, I got asked to dance a little. Could it be that Spanish-speaking salsa dancers are friendlier than cosmopolitan Edinburgh swing-dancers?! Why, yes–in my experience. Also in my experience, the Scottish ceilidh scene is usually also very friendly. A 20-something and I joined some teenagers at a public ceilidh near Falkland Palace last summer, and the 16-year-old, the 22-year-old, and your aging correspondent were all asked to dance by kilted strangers over and over again.

9. Find a friendly gatekeeper. If you find yourself alone at a dance where people are cliquish and/or not very friendly, you have at least two choices: you can go somewhere else or you can approach a gatekeeper. To pick an example at random, if you see a middle-aged lady who resembles a red rubber ball with a party of 20-somethings she clearly knows (mother? aunt? social worker?), it might be a good idea to approach this lady and engage her in conversation. Tell her you’re new and don’t know anyone. If this lady is like me, she will introduce you to the young men of her party.

Other obvious gatekeepers are the lady selling tickets and, if one is present, a teacher you recognize from the dance scene. If you’re at a private dance, you should ask your host or hostess to introduce you to someone. But whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up.

10. Above all, don’t beat yourself up. If you go to a dance appropriately dressed and having a well-informed expectation that you will be asked to dance, and nobody asks you to dance, it is not your fault. It may be the fault of the organizer of the event. In his or her defence, he or she may have been running around like a headless chicken to put on this dance. However, their first consideration–even before paying the band (well, maybe right after paying the band)–should be ensuring that everyone has a good time. It may be the fault of the young men of your party, if you came with a party. It may be the fault of our jaded, sex-saturated society, which teaches men about consent but little else. It may be someone’s fault, but it’s not yours. Go home, eat a doughnut, and strategize for a better future.

*My dancing experience is so far limited to Canada, the USA, Scotland, Germany, and Poland.

**There is a strain of Theobro thought that women ought to dress exactly like depictions of Our Lady. Its adherents do not dress exactly like depictions of Our Lord. You can safely ignore them.