Why Ladies Should Not Ask Gentlemen to Dance

I have touched on this subject before (here, for example), but I think it bears repeating. It is also a controversial topic, so it is good to review my arguments from time to time and see if they have developed any leaks.

The supreme rule of social interaction in the United Kingdom is not to inadvertently make someone feel uncomfortable. A British lady can draw blood with just a look or a short ironic sentence, but she does this on purpose, to put some saucy child or encroaching adult in his or her place. She does not put anyone to the blush by accident. I read somewhere or other that the definition of a lady is a woman who can put a stranger at his ease even if he has caught her in her bath.

Therefore, it is not consistent with British good manners to risk making a man uncomfortable by asking him to dance. If a man is at a dance, he probably means to dance. He will ask a woman to dance in his own good time, and if he needs hurrying up, one of his pals or the host can perform this office. “Come Darcy. I hate to see you standing around by yourself. You had better dance,” said Mr Bingley, NOT Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

1. Men are the leads.

The first thing to remember, if you are a woman at a dance, is that men are almost always the leads. And a lead needs to know a given form dance better than his follow. He is the best judge of whether or not he knows the steps well enough for this particular dance. Only he can judge if he can hear the beat correctly or if he can dance to music of that particular tempo. Men are not born knowing how to dance to everything. Life is not a Disney movie, and Belle should not have done that.

2. Men hate losing face.

The second thing to remember is that men hate losing face in front of women. They also hate losing face in front of men. Men can be weirdly competitive. I once overheard a young man by a dance floor say something like “I never enter a competition I know I will lose.” I was mystified until I realized that the two other men nearby currently dance those particular steps better than he does. Could it be that men mock each other over their dancing skills? Truly, the ways of men are mysterious.

Anyway, if a young woman asks a young man to dance, and he has already judged that his skills are not up to this particular piece of music, it might just about kill him to admit it. He has a choice of three uncomfortable outcomes: making up an untruthful excuse, confessing his lack of skill, or gallantly accepting the lady’s request and hoping that she (or onlookers) won’t judge him too harshly. It is unkind to put a chap in this position; it is better to wait or to catch the eye of a more enthusiastic dancer.

3. Strong men create good times.

The third thing to remember is that we traditionalists are trying to restore our traditional culture. Traditional culture relies on courageous men, men who will willingly shoulder heavy burdens to protect women and children from evil. It cannot thrive with weak men, men who have never been strengthened by challenges and are happy to let women do all the work. Asking a woman to dance takes courage and builds confidence. At many local swing dances, I have seen women darting here and there to ask talented men to dance, and these men never have to ask a woman to dance.

Indeed, I once introduced a 10-year-veteran dancer I knew from this secular community to a young woman, and instead of asking her to dance, he stood beside her until she finally asked him. I wonder if he ever wonders why he doesn’t have a girlfriend, let alone a wife. If he never develops the guts to court a woman, he has (in part) all the women who asked him to dance to blame.

Asking a woman to dance can be very challenging indeed if a man has never done it before, which is why I ask men to practise this at my dance parties. I have also stood on a stage with a microphone remarking pointedly that there were still ladies without partners. (Nota bene: I do this only for dances that have been taught or are being called. See Points 1 and 2.) Protected from social ostracization by my advanced age and wedding ring, I do what I reasonably can to encourage young men to ask young ladies to dance.

However, even I have to remember that it is ultimately the man’s decision. It’s hard–very hard. It may be harder for a woman not to ask a man to dance when she badly wants to dance than it is for a man to ask a woman to dance. I cannot know this for a fact, of course. And perhaps it’s also a training in courage–or patience.

Oh for the days of Pre-1960s Edinburgh when everyone went to dance classes, dance teachers rolled in money, and dancers packed ballrooms every night. Well, probably not Sunday night. The Scottish Sabbath was proverbial.

Exceptions

Note that I am talking about partner dances. There are group dances–at ceilidhs, for example–where it would be perfectly acceptable for a woman to invite a spare man to join her group–for the Dashing White Sergeant, for example, when it is being called. At a ceilidh, making up sets quickly is important. Asking a man to join your set is like asking a man to come to your party: it’s kind and hospitable.

I am also talking about ladies and gentlemen who are not related to each other by blood. The elder sister of two brothers and the aunt of two young men, I defend the right of women to boss their menfolk slightly. Even there, though, it is more in the spirit of traditional culture for a lady to encourage her brother or nephew to ask another lady to dance than to order him to dance with her. (I would not do that myself.) To young ladies’ wheeling and dealing in brothers–“I’ll tell my brother to ask you to dance if you tell your brother to ask ME”–I shut my eyes and ears. Such deals were no doubt being made in Britain when the Magna Carta was in its earliest drafts.

Finally, there are Ladies’ Choice dances, and the hilarity that ensues is based on an understanding that this is a rare departure from the traditional norm. There were once “Sadie Hawkins” dances in the USA–quite popular by 1939–to which young women invited young men, and now they have been labeled sexist and discontinued, which makes me long for them to begin again. I may (may) call a Ladies’ Choice dance at the last Dance Party before Lent on the grounds that it is Carnival, falling between Doughnut Thursday (Tłusty Czwartek) and Pancake Day (Shrove Tuesday). If (if) I do, I will pick the music with care.

Change my mind

I am open to opposing arguments, by the way, so if you can think of some, do send them to me.

In my next article, I will write about strategies that will help a lady be asked to dance. Remarks on Catholic women’s clothing will feature, so readers will not want to miss it.