“What do women want?” I demanded of a wise man after hosting yet another dance party with 10 men and only 4 women.
“If I could answer that, I’d be rich,” said the wise man and munched a biscuit.
It’s Just A Coffee
Classic Man is simple and straightforward; Classic Woman is not. Therefore, I am more worried about writing about women than I was about men. However, I did have some success in explaining to a young man the difference between his thought process and that of his wife, my good friend.
“This is your thought process,” I said, picking up a knife. “It starts here, and it ends there.”
Then I picked up a colander and began to hang random utensils from it.
“This is her thought process,” I said.
They were both highly amused and knew I knew what I was talking about because I sometimes sat with my friend when she wrote her grad school essays. And there is nothing wrong with a thought process that goes up and down and back and forth and makes sudden intuitive leaps, like a fish popping out of the sea, glistening in the sun. It’s very creative.
Most women are perfectly capable of thinking A->B->C->D at university or at work. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, we sometimes panic and go from A->Z before arriving at Q.
“Would you like to go out some time for a coffee?” is a perfectly reasonable–and often very courageous–question for a young man to ask a young woman.
Unfortunately, too often young women from my community hear that question and freeze. Instead of thinking about whether or not they would like to go out some time for a coffee, they think, “Would I marry this man?”
From A to Z in two seconds flat.
This is why, in my Auntie Seraphic days, I wrote over and over again, “It’s just a coffee.”
“It’s just a coffee,” the young man could say, if the stricken silence goes on too long. “I’ll pay.”
“Okay,” says the young lady, or “No, thank you,” says the young lady. If the former, the young man can suggest a time and place. If the latter, he must retire and restore his self-confidence at the gym or by worsting a rival on the internet.
Women are terrified of male aggression
At the slightest sign of rejection, a gentleman absolutely does retire because, as strange as this might sound to a peace-loving chap who barely has the courage to talk to girls, young men make young women very nervous. Women are terrified of male aggression—so terrified, in fact, that we sometimes freeze when we should run screaming. It would not be kind of the man to argue the issue of the coffee, especially if the girl is under 21 or barely knows him.
However, it is possible the young lady will rethink her rejection of the coffee and begin popping up unexpectedly in the hopes that the young man will ask her out again. Or maybe she will invite him to a party. Either way, if the girl changes her mind, she will make subtle approaches, so the young man should keep an eye out.
How to talk to girls
The young man should keep an eye out anyway, and make a note of young women who seem kind as well as pretty. The easiest and safest way to get more information about an interesting woman is to suddenly strike up a conversation in a shared space (like the CSU or the parish hall) and ask her about herself. “How long have you been coming to this Mass?” or “So what’s your subject?” are simple questions that indicate friendly interest. The young man should listen to the answer and then ask an intelligent follow-up question like “What do you like about the Old Mass?” or “What do you like best about your subject?” At some natural point, the young lady will probably say “How about you?” She thus gives him permission to talk about and (if necessary)introduce himself.
Having a good conversation with a member of the opposite sex is one of the great joys in life, as long as both parties are relaxed and speak and listen well. In fact, it’s a good thing if friendly conversations precede a coffee date, for first dates are usually the opposite of relaxing. Nervous people often talk too much on the first date. They drop things. They forget to ask the other person anything about himself (or herself). They lose their heads and reveal subjects best left for the seventh date like, “My chief ambition is to get married and have at least six children.”
First dates are awkward
I believe that nobody, especially a young person, should be judged harshly for nervous oversharing, or over-talking, on a first date. A kind person, seeng that the person he or she is having coffee with is nervous, does his or her best to put him or her at his ease. My invariable advice is that everyone should be given a second chance unless he or she has been rude or offensive to you or someone else in the café, especially the server.
I can see how a man might be terrified by a woman mentioning marriage on the first date, for many women are also terrified by a too-early introduction of the M-word. However, I think the way forward would be to make a flirtatious joke about it: “Well, how about right now? I could call the Registry Office.” And then, whether the relationship progresses or not, the jokester could pretend to take out an invisible phone whenever he (or she) catches sight of her (or him).
Discretion: not just the better part of valour
Incidentally, if the young man and young lady belong to a close-knit community, it is a good idea to remain discreet about their dates until they have come to some kind of understanding, i.e. that they are no longer dating but “courting” and “discerning.” That way, if one or the other realizes they are incompatible, there will be no public loss of face. If only the most discreet friends or relatives know that A broke up with B, or B broke up with A, then A and B can both hold their head high wherever they go, untroubled by gossip or impertinent questions.
I see that I have got to a thousand words without even mentioning life insurance. Well, as important as it is, the subject of women’s terror of abject poverty will have to wait until tomorrow.
Meanwhile, here are Part One, Part Two, and Part Three of my Seraphic Singles comeback series.
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