Men are who they are…

…and not who you want them to be.

(Part One is here.)

Pity the bookish girl, for the contrast between boys in fiction and boys in life is stark. Our bookish girl spends her happiest childhood hours with Frodo and Sam, Peter and Edmund, Frank and Joe Hardy, and perhaps the Famous Five. On Monday morning, however, she must leave these boon companions and get on the school bus to encounter the screams and cries of junior orcs and avert her gaze when photos of topless models are thrust under her nose. But enough about me.

I am not a fan of co-education, but I understand that in other places and times girls and boys grow up happily together and are good pals, the boys policing each other to prevent sexual harassment of the girls, and the girls quietly noticing that boys are different from themselves in several ways, some puzzling, some thrilling. Perhaps these fortunate girls learn early that men are who they are and not who we want them to be, i.e. heroes out of fiction, particularly our daydreams.

It is not only women who are led astray by fiction. I know a young Pole who came to Britain expecting to meet “English gentlemen”; he was sorely disappointed. He had heard all his life about these “English gentlemen,” he seethed, and they were nowhere to be found. And as for the famous English roses, he returned from a trip to Portsmouth to report that the girls there resembled “retarded whales.” Needless to say, he has resettled in Poland.

The best way to find out who men are is to meet them and take seriously what they reveal about themselves. It is easy to get most men to talk about themselves: you just have to ask an open-ended question (e.g. “What do you like best about this city?”) and wait. When you have heard enough to form a hypothesis about a man’s character, you can ask something a shade more personal like, “Would you say that you are an ambitious (athletic, competitive, hardworking) man?” And then, if you are lucky, he will say something along the lines of, “All normal men are ambitious (athletic, competitive, etc.).”

You are talking to the Classic Man.*

Homo simplex, or the Classic Man

The Classic Man is the traditional kind of man who is simple and straightforward, no matter how much of an intellectual or artist he may be. He probably grew up with his father at home, he has been told by male elders how men are supposed to be, and he disapproves of men crying in public or getting their nails done. He has a standard to live up (or down) to, and he expects other men to live up (or down) to it.

Meanwhile, “All normal men are” means “I am,” of course, so listen and do not ignore what he reveals just because he is handsome. If he says “All normal men want to seduce as many women as possible and spread their DNA around the world like Genghis Khan,” find someone else to talk to.

In Traditional Catholic circles, Classic Man’s Genghis Khan tendencies are checked by Christianity. But, in my experience, most Classic Men, be they Catholic or agnostic, are honest types who live for work, love and the respect of those whom they respect. Classic Men are easy to manage and, if you marry one, your chief worry—bar addictions—will be keeping him alive. (More on this in a later post.)

If I have sold you on Classic Man, and you want one of your own, then you will be heartened to know that they are easy to please. Classic Man likes women he thinks are pretty**, kind-hearted, mildly flirtatious (with him), and possess his mother’s better tendencies (e.g. cooking well). He also—and this is very important—wants a woman who will make him feel proud in front of other men.

Classic Man is usually competitive, especially with other men,but wants to relax at home. Although he might enjoy a temporary sporting rivalry with women (tennis doubles, Scrabble, etc.), in general, he does not want to have to compete with the woman in his life. He may be delighted that she went to Oxford/Harvard and even that she out-earns him, but he would be hurt if she made fun of his association with Bangor/State or sneered at him for his lower pay.

Meanwhile, Classic Man does not actually care where his woman went to university or what profession she follows. He cares only that she is pretty, kind-hearted, mildly flirtatious (with him) and has his mother’s better tendencies. Sharing his core values—be those religious or cultural—and belonging to his mother’s ethnic group are definite plusses.

Classic Man is also a hunter. Classic Man, once he hits adulthood, knows what he wants and goes out to get it. This could be a car, a job, or a woman. Even the most laidback Classic Man abandons his lethargy to approach the woman who most interests him. If he is a clever hunter, he simply asks her out for coffee. (The stupid ones write six-page love letters instead.)

However, like other big-game hunters, Classic Man does not like being hunted himself. He wants to feel in control of his hunting expedition. He wants to make sure that the woman he is pursuing—a potentially dangerous beast!–is the one he wants. He has friends who have been terribly wounded; his father has told him some hair-raising tales. There are some women, he has heard, whose beautiful faces and gorgeous figures hide greedy, unfaithful hearts. Others, once captured, cling like baby monkeys and wail like banshees when their men want to go out for a pint. Still others are anti-marriage seductresses whose dark arts could drag him down to hell. Thus, when taking his first wary steps towards his quarry, Classic Man (especially Catholic Classic Man) is unnerved when she turns around and rushes towards him. His options are to open his arms in confusion (often bitterly regretting this ever after), or to run in the opposite direction.

Thus, I strongly advise all women not to go out alone with Classic Man more than once or twice a week, especially not early in the relationship. Fill your calendars with unbreakable engagements and necessary tasks. Tell him how impossibly busy you are, how much others are relying on you. Above all, Classic Man should be begging for your time; you should not beg for his. Do not call him up. Do not ask him out. If he wants to talk to you, he will text you. if he wants to see you again, he will, guaranteed. For both your sakes, you need to keep a certain distance. He can move forward only if you provide the space. Please review my previous post.

P.S. The myth of “too shy”

The Classic Man is not “too shy” to approach you. If he doesn’t approach, he’s either too young, married, or otherwise not interested. End of.

*As the photo is of Mr McLean, I should mention that he is not among the many men who have told me what “All Normal Men” are like. However, I think he fits the definition of the Classic Man. He is just a deceptively relaxed Classic Man. Classic Man also likes to solve problems, and Mr McL generously solved the problem of what art to use to illustrate this topic by allowing me to use his image

**Men’s sense of “pretty” is simultaneously much more subjective and generous than women are led to believe by advertising.