This is the third article in my Auntie Seraphic Comeback series about love stuff. I’m going to continue doling out advice to TLM-loving Catholic women, but don’t worry: I have many things to say to Trad Cat men, too. (For example, we all think your pipes are stupid.)
Part One here.
Part Two there.
To recap, men are simple or complex, and the simple ones—whom I have dubbed Classic Men—are easier to deal with. What you see is what you get. They have a strong idea of how “a normal man” is supposed to behave, and they live up (or down) to it. They take their social cues from other men, and they tend to be competitive. They live for work, love, and the respect of those whom they respect. They go after what they want. They pursue women but get skittish if women pursue them. They would probably find even a headless mannequin dumped in an alley somewhat sexually attractive but prefer women who are pretty, kind-hearted, mildly flirtatious (with them) and possess their mothers’ better qualities.
A Headless What?
To get back to the headless mannequin, Catholic women are told a million times a day not to wear immodest clothing for the sake of our poor brethren who are weak where we are (relatively) strong. There is also an argument to make from enlightened self-interest: signalling Wife Material instead of merely Sexually Interesting is more likely to attract the right kind of man. After all, all women of childbearing age—and quite a few older than that—are sexually interesting to at least some men. As you may have heard from some loudmouth, any woman could enter any bar and walk out with a man within thirty minutes. Most women do not do this, however, because it is insanely dangerous. It is also counterproductive to finding happiness in this world and the next.
Pretty
I’m once again reminded of Kathleen-the-punker from elementary school Gifted Program (but of course), who was warned by our GP teacher that her look would attract similarly clad young men.
“Great!” replied Kathleen, age 13. “I LOVE punk guys!”
Thus, enlightened self-interest also suggests that women dress to attract the kind of men we would like to marry, which for tradition-minded Catholic women probably means tradition-minded Catholic men, and thus traditionally feminine clothing is the way to go.
Although TLM-loving women in English-speaking countries (and Poland) tend to wear long skirts, knee-length is absolutely fine, especially with tights. And, as Classic Man wants to feel proud of the woman he is seen with, I recommend striving for elegance. Would the Princess of Wales wear a mid-calf skirt with a tunic, leggings and boot socks? No, she would not.
As for the rest of it, wash, eat properly, sleep, get exercise, establish a peace treaty with your hair and skin, and don’t worry so much. Of course not all men will think you’re pretty; you don’t think all men are handsome, do you? .
Notice how all around you are married women whom no modelling agency has ever thought to approach. We are fat or squat or skeletal or saggy, and yet our besotted husbands think we are gorgeous. How can this be? Well, perhaps for the same mysterious reasons I thought Such-and-Such in high school was handsome, even though my friends all wailed that he had a unibrow and I must be blind.
Handsome
I break off in the middle of my speech to women to address men. Women are visual, and we prefer handsome men. Happily, you can take the same steps women take to look more attractive: you can wash, eat properly, sleep, exercise—in fact, you will look more masculine if you build up your muscles—get a better/more youthful haircut, and go to a dermatologist. You can also pick clothing appropriate to your age, climate and social circle. I personally have no battle with tweed jackets, but Evelyn Waugh at 60 should not be your style icon. Also, volunteer to carry heavy stuff whenever needed. And make peace with your height. There’s nothing you can do about it—although if you are short, you do have an advantage in certain martial arts. Disciplined, graceful movements–like throwing a baseball correctly–are attractive, too.
Kind-hearted
The easiest way to make boys like you is to notice what good things they do or say or have and then tell them that they’re marvellous. It’s so amazingly simple, you probably don’t believe me. However, if we all grew up saying “Hi, Billy, I like your cool thermos” and “Hi, Tommy, your drawing is amazing” and “Hi, Scooter, congratulations on scoring the winning goal” until it was habitual, we’d all be incredibly popular with men.
I will touch on this more in my future article about Keeping Men Alive, but for now I’ll just say one of the best things women can do for the men of our tribe/community is praise them whenever possible/appropriate. It’s not vain flattery if it’s true—and they’ll know if it’s true, so don’t be daft.
Of course, if you’re truly kind-hearted, you will also tell a besotted man sooner rather than later that you’re not interested in him “that way” and, with real magnanimity, not tell anyone except your priest or therapist about this conversation. You might want to lay off telling the man that he’s marvellous for a few weeks afterwards, too.
If, however, you welcome the attentions of the man walking you home from Mass and asking you out for coffee, etc., your kind-heartedness should include sympathetic listening, prudent contributions (see Part 1), and concern for both his time and his wallet. You need to be home by 10:30 PM on a work night, so he can be home by 11. And if he paid for dinner, you should at least offer to pay for coffee afterwards.
Moreover, at a certain point in the relationship, you’ll want to say, “Listen, I appreciate your generosity so much, but I think we’ve established that these are dates, not “friend things.” So let’s work out how much you can afford to pay when we go out and how much I can afford to pay.” Then you can have fun scheming together on how to get the best deals on concert tickets, yellow-sticker sandwiches at Tesco, etc., which is a good preparation for married life, should things go that far.
Mildly Flirtatious (With Them)
Flirtation is a cross between praising and joking. It suggests that you find a member of the opposite sex particularly interesting. Its effectiveness lies partly in its element of surprise and partly in its mystery: Was she serious or….??!
??!!!
Some women are so good at this, the man forgets to breathe.
Fictional examples often sound lame. Flirtation really depends on both timing and smiles. However, the following conversation popped into my head:
“I have to go. I have an appointment at 3.”
“Really? Lucky girl! “
“It’s with my ophthalmologist!”
“Lucky ophthalmologist!”
“Why lucky?”
“Why? She will look into your eyes, the window of the soul…”
Et cetera. Naturally, if the man is intrigued, he will be disappointed if he overhears her carrying on like this with someone else. If he has fallen in love with her, he’ll be furious. But if neither, he can have a good chuckle: “Oh that Suzie, up to her tricks.”
Their Mothers’ Better Qualities
This is highly subjective although there are some maternal characteristics that everyone likes: providing yummy food (cooking herself or knowing the best places), carrying emergency supplies in her handbag, being good-humoured and patient, using made-up swears instead of the real ones, summoning medical help, and saying, “Well, you’re absolutely right, darling.”
After that, feeling at home with a woman has much to do with a man’s personal idea about “normal” female behaviour, and usually one woman—or two if his babysitter or favourite schoolteacher made a deep impression—forms it.
Obviously, you can develop universal mother qualities, if you don’t have them already, but you have no control over the subjective ones, so don’t worry about them.
There is something else beyond your control: his mother’s ethnicity. Over twenty years ago, I flirted with a handsome colleague who very credibly told me straight up that he would only ever marry a fellow Armenian. And a few years after that, a rather presumptuous luncheon companion informed me he’d marry only a Chinese lady. Of course, many men are perfectly happy, and may even prefer, to find a wife from an ethnic background different from their own. But sometimes they don’t. Although I don’t think my husband has ever pondered this, my mother-in-law is mixed Scottish/Irish. I should have come to Scotland 30 years ago. I rest my case, M’Lud.
The painting is A Lady in Grey (1859) by Sir Daniel Macnee. It is the property of the National Galleries of Scotland.
Leave a Reply