Traditional Dance Deportment

I have finished reading Elizabeth Casciani’s Oh, How We Danced: The History of Ballroom Dancing in Scotland and must take it back to the library today. First, however, I would like to copy from it some intriguing information about lessons in dance deportment some Scottish teachers imparted in the late 19th century and, it seems, long afterwards.

Modern deportment

Contemporary Edinburgh dance teachers also teach a form of deportment, by the way, although in my experience they impart it through their societies’ websites: don’t be smelly, take “No” for an answer, don’t assume somebody’s preferred dance role, don’t make offensive remarks. My own strictures are quite different, but they are also aimed at the common good–usually to solve awkward problems.

Victorian Scottish deportment

Anyway, here, according to Ms Casciani, is what Mr David Anderson of Dundee demanded of his students, with my excited commentary:

Gentlemen on entering the Ball-room and after every dance, lead their partners to a seat by the right arm, bow and retire. Ladies are to sit with hands clasped; gentlemen with hands on knees.

Whereas I haven’t given any thought to hands, I do absolutely believe in men leading their partners back to their seats (or to the refreshments table) after a dance instead of just leaving them awkwardly standing there on the floor. Nobody knows what to say, and so “May I escort you to your seat” or “Would you like a drink?” are great candidates.

When any lady or gentleman makes an engagement for a dance, he or she ought to note the name at once in the programme [dance card] lest it be forgotten and another arranged.

It is also helpful to make some private note of what this person looks like, if he or she has only just been introduced to you. Meanwhile, this again solves an awkward problem: promising someone a dance and then reneging by accident. Dance cards themselves are an amazing ice-breaker and ensure that everybody dances at least sometimes.

Gentlemen, before engaging a partner for a dance, should bow and present the right arm, lead the partner to her place in the dance and never leave the dance on any pretence whenever before it is finished.

Bowing is not really a thing in contemporary Scotland, so a cheery “Hello” or a nod would suffice, but the offering of the right arm is an excellent move because that way the gentleman can lead the lady to the dance floor without any confusion on her part about where she is supposed to go. It also saves her from having to scurry after her partner in an undignified fashion.

[Gentlemen should] change partners often during the evening in order that every lady will enjoy the dance.

Yes, clearly, and that every gentleman will enjoy the dance, too, if there are more of them than ladies. I think the old rule that you can dance only twice with the same lady at an event is a very good one.

No lady, in politeness, can refuse to dance with a gentleman unless she has a previous engagement or feels indisposed. A gentleman so refused may ask the favour of a future dance. Should a gentleman be refused a dance, and afterwards see the lady dancing with another gentleman, he should not show his indignation nor appear to notice the action at all.

On this one, if a lady doesn’t want to dance with a gentleman because he makes her uncomfortable, I think she should say so flat out. It would be a kindness, as some men (and some women) are mystified by others’ reactions to them. They go through life causing and experiencing unnecessary pain because nobody tactfully explains it to them.

I don’t want to dance with you because

In this case, the observation should begin “I don’t want to dance with you because (you don’t respect my boundaries/I was frightened the last time we danced the Strip the Willow/you hurt my shoulder in a swing-out/you punched my brother).” It won’t kill him. Of course, if she is afraid of his reaction, she doesn’t have to say anything except “No, thank you.” (And she may want to talk to the host/hostess/safer safes officer about him.)

Meanwhile, if you really are taking a break, don’t say ‘Yes’ for that dance to another man after saying ‘No’ to the first. It might make the first one feel slighted.

At a public assembly a gentleman should always if possible be accompanied by a lady… . Ladies should never dance together if there are disengaged gentlemen in the room, and it is highly improper for two gentlemen to do so while there are ladies present willing to dance.

I don’t myself have a copy of D Anderson’s Ballroom and Solo Dance Guide–with Full Tuition in the Art of Dancing without the Use of French Terms so I don’t know how hard he leaned on men to ask ladies to dance. However, I lean super-hard on men to ask ladies to dance. I do not lean as hard as the Glasgow bouncers of the 30s and 40s who would occasionally drag a red-faced girl into the middle of the dance floor and shout, “This wumman has paid her tanner [sixpence]. She must be danced!” (Casciani, p. 102.) However, I lean hard.

The courage to ask women, the courage not to ask men

I enjoy tales of Catholic dances arranged by others in which young men are so frightened of asking young ladies to dance that they dance together, for I get to think “Our Boys Aren’t Like That” and swell with pride. There are not many rewards for being a dance floor battle-axe, but that is one of them. By ordering inviting my male guests to practise asking girls to dance (and to practise hearing refusals), I root out any such fears. (But being a battle-axe is, by the way, the privilege/burden of age and marital status.)

Why men don’t ask

My battle-axe swinging is tempered by an understanding that men sometimes sit out dances because they are tired or because the music is too fast or because they are uncertain of the steps. I swing again, however, on the subject of ladies asking men to dance because here I feel I am standing almost alone against the feminist horde.

Ladies asking men to dance once so outraged custom that dance organizers would declare “Ladies’ Choice” as a fun and hilarious departure from the norm. But it is now so commonplace at local swing dance events (for example) that a man doesn’t have to ask a woman at all, if he doesn’t feel like it, to dance. If he stands still long enough, a man will find himself asked by some woman frightened of losing her chance to dance to that tune.

Poltroons versus gentlemen

This rewards lazy/cowardly men, while putting gentlemen at a disadvantage. If a gentleman does not ask a lady to dance, he has a good reason: he needs a breather; he is uncertain of the steps; the music is too fast for his skills. However, a gentleman dislikes saying “No” to a lady, so if she asks him to dance with her, he may decide to endure some discomfort rather than disappoint her. However, I would argue (as would my modernist peers) that he is perfectly within his rights to say “No, thank you. I need a break/I’m uncertain of the steps/it’s too fast for me.” The lady may still feel some chagrin, but she should take it like a man.

Exceptions

There are exceptions, of course, and I think they should be made for absolute beginner dancers, especially boys under 16. (In this case, however, the lady should not have any expectations about her partner’s ability.) Hostesses may make a judgement call here, or they can even set things up by asking a young man if there is a particular young lady to whom he would like to be introduced. I note that I myself have, at public events, sometimes turned to someone young enough to be my son and said “Well, what do you think? Would you like to practise?”

That said, I much prefer to nudge a young friend and say “There’s that girl you danced with last week. Why don’t you ask her?” Then I feel extremely motherly and smug when he takes my advice and I spot them together.

How to get asked

As for the ladies, I am really sorry, because waiting for a man to ask you to dance is indeed anxiety-making. However, there sensible ways of tipping the odds in your favour. You can encourage a mixed group of friends to come with you to a dance. You can lean on your brothers to ask your friend to dance, and you can hint to your friend that she lean on her brothers for you. You can choose to go only to those dances where there are dance cards, or a very strong men-asking-women culture, or a host/hostess who makes your enjoyment a point of honour.

Anyway, today I will leave the combox open, so any readers sufficiently moved by the topic of deportment at dances may leave a message.

UPDATE: Here is the book in question!