I had the most interesting conversation the other day after Mass with a younger-than-me man. He was sharing his experiences of dating younger-than-him women and how deeply shocked they are by opinions that run contrary to those they have been taught at secondary school and/or university. I mentioned my own self-defeating beliefs as a young woman, and how long it took me to get a clue. We agreed that—whoever the mediators might be—the devil is very interested in driving men and women apart.
My interlocutor told me that one current phenomenon is that of men not wanting to approach women at all because women now think any such self-introduction is “creepy.” And initially I was sad about that because men have always approached women and that is how society always used to be. But then I remembered what it was like to be a woman under 25, and how wary I could be when men approached me. And then I recalled the truth that not all degrees of men have always been permitted to approach all degrees of women.
In fact, in 1826, if a poor stranger introduced himself to the daughter of a wealthy family on the street, or in a bank, or somewhere like that, there would have been a heck of a fuss. (I’m imagining the young lady’s attending maid whacking him with an umbrella .) And I’m not so sure that wasn’t the case in 1926, too. And even if a gentleman and a lady were of the same social class, the interested gentleman was expected to find someone who would consent to introducing him to the lady. And even if they were both of humble origins, the lady’s relations might take a violent interest in this bloke who was pestering “our Jane.” So, really, the norm is a mediator between man and woman, even if that mediator is an online dating service.
Personally I think an online dating service is very poor substitute for a knowledgeable human being or beings, like the kindly people who first brought my online scribbles to the attention of Mr McLean and then told me all about him. Not to sound like a broken record, but the first social skill one should acquire, after mastering washing, eating with utensils, and sharing one’s toys, is introducing people to each other.
It’s really the easiest thing ever, especially if you dispense with the traditional rules (e.g. one first introduces a man TO a woman, a layperson TO a priest, the younger person TO the much older person).
“Mary, have you met Joe O’Brien? Joe, this is Mary Stewart.”
Do not be put off or embarrassed if Mary says, “Oh yes, Joe and I are old friends.” No harm has been done. In fact, you have just profited from a little more introduction practice. You have also modelled introductions to Mary and Joe, and perhaps Mary, in following your example, will introduce Joe to the future Mrs Joe. (I hope no drama ensues.)
Of course, young men who wish to be introduced to young ladies (and young ladies who wish to have young men introduced to them) can take advantage of the old (and very useful) convention and ask their friends, relations, and fellow parishioners for introductions. As I’ve mentioned before, if a complete stranger is new to a parish, they could try asking one of the friendly-looking ladies behind the after-Mass tea table for help. (Hopefully the tea ladies are keeping an eye out for shy newcomers anyway.)
Sadly, too many social events do not have well-defined hosts or hostesses, and when they do, the hosts or hostesses forget to make introductions. This means attendees have to take matters into their own hands. When it comes to social events where people are supposed to mix and mingle—like wedding or an old-fashioned parish dance–young men who introduce themselves to young ladies may appear awkward, but they should not be libelled as “creepy”.
If they do or say something really creepy, then okay, they’re creepy. But a man introducing himself to a woman at a community event where they have friends or interests in common is not creepy in itself. On the street–maybe. On the bus–possibly. (Have you both been taking this same bus at the same time for weeks? Is it broad daylight? Are you both wearing World Youth Day backpacks?) But at Juventutem or the Eastertide Dance or on Day 2 of the Chartres Pilgrimage, no.
Speaking of the Eastertide Dance, this year it is on April 10, and I have made an advert to hand out at the New Year’s Family Ceilidh. I hope lots of new people come, so that I have all the fun of introducing them to old people and (if necessary) each other. Details to be posted on this website on Sunday evening!
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