Should you go to dances alone?

The local swing-dance scene is somewhat problematic for traditional Catholics because the words “man” and “woman” have been erased and replaced by “lead” and “follower.” Women are encouraged to take the “lead” role, and men are warmly welcomed as “followers.” This means that teenage boys and men who want to take classes discover that they are expected to dance, at least occasionally, with men during lessons. Women find themselves dancing with women, which–at least where I come from–is not quite so unusual, if hitherto considered a stop-gap measure, a sad concession to a man shortage.

There is a work-around, which is for a man to turn up for classes with a woman and get permission to dance with only her for the entire class. It is the same work-around, incidentally, that women who don’t want to dance with men use. I mention this because I recently went through a huge drama on behalf of male friends who didn’t want to dance with men, and this week I was at a dance class in which two young women, one dressed and coiffed so much like a boy my friend thought she was one, danced solely with each other. There was no drama.

Ten years ago, the local swing-dance scene was problematic for me because I went to “socials” expecting men to ask me to dance and was extremely disappointed when they didn’t. Mr McLean, only now grasping how I felt about that, is sorry that he didn’t come with me. However, I do not think he is untypical of men of his nation and generation. There are many men who go out dancing only because they are single and want either to please a woman or to find one, and the bachelor Mr McLean belonged to that group. (There are also men who love dancing, men who don’t want to do the work necessary to become good dancers, and men who think good dancers are born, not made, and thus they can never learn.)

Not being asked to dance was particularly painful because I was totally on my own, and when I am not on my own home turf, I am very shy and prone to loneliness. I am not like my salsa-dancing, perfectly trilingual younger sister who travels the world solo, making friends on every bus, train and dance floor. Somebody like my sister absolutely should go to dances alone, if she wants to. (Of course, she should do her research to discover if this is a physically safe thing to do. In the Edinburgh swing-dancing scene it very much is.)

If, however, you are like me–who once spent a whole week in Florence without conversing with anyone except curious elderly women after daily Mass–you probably shouldn’t. And if you are married and your husband refuses to go out dancing, you should probably sell your dancing shoes and find some activity he too will enjoy. I just hope it has the same physical and mental benefits as partner dancing (which are HUGE).

If you aren’t married, or if you are married with teenage children (your own or other people’s) to chaperone, and you (and they) want to be on the dance floor, by all means, go there. If single but naturally outgoing, go alone if you like. If not, recruit a friend to meet you there or tell your social circle that you are willing to go, if any of them would like to go.

My current practice, apart from hosting monthly dance parties and organizing biannual ticketed dances, is to state over social media that I and whoever else are going to a particular dance event, and anyone on the list is welcome to join us. However, I do not go to the dance event alone. I am absolutely not doing that anymore. If no one tells me they want to go, I don’t go. I might go for a lesson, but I won’t stay for the “social.”

I also don’t lean on anyone else to go to a dance–with one exception. Oh, obviously I flog tickets to our biannual dances, and I lean hard on young women to turn up to my man-heavy monthly dances, but I do not permit myself to get overly excited by other people’s events. The one thing I will do, though, is invite men to come to “outside” dances on behalf of young women going.

Why? Because it is so uncomfortable for a woman to turn up to a dance, even with another woman, and not be certain of having any man to dance with. According to traditional rules, she can’t invite any man outside her family to come with her. However, also according to traditional rules, married old ladies can indeed invite young men to join a dance-bound party as their guests. I suppose there are husbands who might object if their wives said, “Hey, I invited Y to come to the dance with X and Z and me. He’s ∞ years younger than me. Do you mind?”* However, Mr McLean is not so blinded by affection that he thinks there is any danger of traditional Catholic boys wanting to run away with me. You would not think that this is an obvious benefit of aging, but it totally is.

It totally is in part because when you are older, although it is still uncomfortable to go to a dance and not have anyone to dance with, there is great joy to be had in seeing your young friends–and presumably your children–dance. It is also very satisfying to have organized a successful social event, even if that just meant telling people about it and buying a ticket or two.

Also, if you go to an event so that someone else won’t be alone, attending either as a kindly friend or as a chaperone, you will be pleasantly surprised when men do indeed ask you to dance. Last week, when I was definitely in chaperone territory, I was asked to dance quite often. I was amazed. I do not know if it was because I had found myself amongst particularly friendly and dance-mad men, or because there was a shortage of young women, or because there is some magic in my new-to-me (eBay) Lindy Bop frock. Whatever it was, I had a very good time, and I look forward to going again, the next time anyone else in my social circle wants to go.

Social Note: Hello to the reader in Toronto who told my mum you enjoy reading this blog. Mum did not catch your name, but I am delighted both that someone from my old parish church is reading and that you told Mum about it. Thank you!

*New readers might wonder why I don’t just lean on Mr McLean to accompany us. The answer, unfortunately, is that he’s currently dependent on a wheelchair.