How to ask for a dance

Gentlemen tell me that asking a lady for a dance is difficult at first but easier with practice.

At Mrs McLean’s Waltzing Party, we are old school, so waltz lessons involve the gentleman asking the lady to dance. Generally he does this by walking up to his chosen (or assigned) lady, holding out his right hand, and asking “May I have this dance?” He then leads the lady out to the dance floor. It’s as easy as that.

It can get even easier. At gatherings with dance cards, gentlemen are encouraged to approach as many ladies as possible to solicit their dances ahead of time. In this situation the gentleman can simply approach the lady, introduce himself if necessary, and ask if she has any spaces left on her card. Having compared cards, the gentleman asks if he may write his name on her card. (Pencils are provided.) He then writes the lady’s name in the correct space on his card. (He might also want to make a secret note indicating what this lady looks like, e.g. silver dress, so that he can later put a face to the name.) Having booked his partners ahead of time, all the gentleman has to do is find his lady when the music strikes up, offer his hand and say something relatively less formal like “Our dance, I think!” or “Hello! I’ve got you down for this waltz.”

Of course, if the lady has changed her mind and wants to sit out the dance, the gentleman cannot argue. Traditionally he would offer to get her something to eat or drink from the buffet table. After bringing her the refreshment (or not, as she wished), he would be free to find another lady.

At Mrs McLean’s Dance Party, we practise what to do if a lady says no. To save himself from being struck dumb or, worse, beginning an argument, the gentleman is encouraged to ask the lady if he can get her a drink or something to eat from the buffet. If she again says no, the gentleman should make some polite remark (e.g. “Enjoy the evening!”) and find another another lady to dance with. This should not be hard. Almost all ladies at dances want to dance.

In fact, most ladies want to dance so badly that the old prohibition against them asking men to dance has been violated consistently for decades. This can put the chivalrous gentleman in a difficult position if, for example, he already engaged to dance with a different lady or doesn’t feel confident in leading the steps to this particular dance, or is tired and wants to rest.

My advice to the gentleman who wishes to refuse a lady’s invitation is to explain why he cannot oblige and then ask the lady to dance later in the evening when he is free, confident, or refreshed.

My advice to ladies is highly controversial because it counsels patience and sleight of hand instead of bold, forthright action. However, I firmly believe that men’s ability and willingness to ask women to dance has been eroded by women racing about asking men to dance before the latter have had a chance to say a word.

At a well-hosted dance, gentlemen are introduced to ladies and encouraged to ask them to dance. We ladies can improve our odds of being asked by ascertaining that our own gentlemen friends come to a certain event and indicating ahead of time that we hope they will ask us to dance at it. At a pinch, there can be wheeling and dealing among fond sisters and proud mothers. Not that I know anything about it, but apparently the request “Get your brother to ask me to dance” was overheard at our first Michaelmas gathering.

A lady always has the right to turn down an invitation to dance, but she should have a good, even if deeply personal and secret, reason. She should also consider how best to remove any sting from her refusal. For example, she might promise to dance with the gentleman later or introduce him at once to another lady who she knows would like to dance with him. If she doesn’t want to dance with the man because he is intoxicated or has behaved in an unpleasant way, she doesn’t owe him an explanation. In fact, she might consider informing the host or hostess or a dance committee member of the situation.

Speaking of hosts, social life would be so much easier if hosts and/or hostesses made a point of introducing gentlemen to ladies they might not know. If this is an event with dance cards, this introduction would be the best opportunity to reserve a later dance. Hosts and hostesses should also be on the lookout for stray guests without partners and find a way to bring them together. (“Katie, may I introduce Paul to you? He has no partner for this dance.”)